Well, I made it through my first chemo cycle. Chemo day is Day 1 of my 21 day infusion cycle. So far, I've experienced pretty much all the classic chemo symptoms but they have been manageable. Days 1-5 I was doing pretty good. I felt shaky and foggy and tired but at least as long as I stayed ahead of my nausea with meds it has been pretty well controlled. Days 5-9 were not fun, I woke up feeling like I drank 10 bottles of wine the night before; a "chemover" that can't be solved with some greasy food. The other days I was able to do normal things in spurts but then have to sit or lay down. One weird side effect is that everything tastes like dirt and metal shavings, which is a sad day for a foodie. The slow physical transformation has been hard but for the most part that has been more noticeable to me and people close to me. I still have most of my hair, it is slowly coming out or breaking off but no huge missing chunks so far. We'll see how long it holds on. I've been going for walks when the polar vortex isn't threatening to turn me into a terribly flavored popsicle.
If you know me, you know I have no patience for not having the energy I need to do all the things. Us moms do a lot in a day. I like to take care of people and multitasking is my specialty. I generally think if I'm not doing seven things, then what even is the point! This obviously is an adjustment for me and has caused some frustration. When it is simple things like not feeling up to feeding Cooper his bottle or picking up Charlie. While a lot of me says "just keep going" which I will mostly do, I'm not naïve enough to think things will stay that way through all this. I'm trying to balance the "keep going" with resting so that I can beat this thing.
It has been a little bewildering that life doesn't just stop when cancer shows up. Time just marches on and demands that I keep up. Some days I can and some I can't. I find myself feeling a little angry and resentful that I can't just focus on the boys. I'm angry that I have to put Cooper down to run to the bathroom 4,000 times a day. I feel like the boys are getting gyped and I feel guilt over it. But other times I look at Cooper's gummy smile and hear Charlie's little voice say "mommy I need hewlp" and know that I'm supposed to be their mommy and I'm doing the best I can and Jesus provides us with everything else. Luckily, I have an amazing support system of family and friends that will make the wheels on this bus go 'round and 'round (Char that was for you).
I met with my oncologist's PA today to go over my lab work and check-in. I was a little too enthusiastic because of the dexamethasone that I have to take and as I told them "they let me out of the house!" and "so what should we talk about!!" Little too much pep. The dexamethasone is a med that does something and makes me feel like I've had 14,000 cups of coffee! I love coffee. I've cut way back through this all because I'm already shaky to begin with then add coffee and I become the Gilmore Girls on crack! On the way to the appointment, the car's low tire pressure light came on and I nearly had a heart attack. I called Michael and said "The car's low tire pressure light is on! What do I do!?!?" He asked me if I had a flat tire to which I said "No." "Then you're fine" he said. Oh boy. "How do you know I'm fine!?" I was really thinking what if my tire goes flat and I swerve into the semi truck and die on the way to my oncologist appointment!!! What a waste of cancer! Alas, I realized I got a little carried away. My senses are heightened; I'm resource guarding like a stray dog. Everything is just a little more intense for me these days. I'm not going to lie, I had a crappy attitude the last couple days; I don't really know why. I think some days it's just a little harder to accept that I'm on a crazy rollercoaster and I don't know when the ride ends. But I eventually remember Who is in control and breathe again.
Chemo #2 tomorrow! Since I tolerated the first one so well, I may have asked my Dr., just to make sure, if they were sure that I didn't need a stronger dosage, ya know, just to be safe. My care team knows I'm not messing around. But apparently, they are the oncologists and I just gotta drink some regularly scheduled chemo.
Love you all!
Tata's for now,
Tara
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