The final chemo was on June 1, evil #6, and it was a doosy. While mentally it was so good to know this was the last one to endure, I felt so crappy going into it that it was daunting to know that it would get worse. My symptoms had definitely compounded, as promised, and I was going to the hospital every few days for magnesium and fluid IVs. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I needed a lot of help from family. Michael was exhausted too and we were hanging on by a thread. We were both pretty quiet on the drive to infusion, so many emotions were crossing our minds. My blood counts were all low but expected and we forged ahead with treatment that day. I was so happy to know that was the last of the cold cap but was so grateful for it as it helped me keep a lot of my hair and allowed me to feel a little bit like myself. The nurses who we'd gotten to know well tried their best to keep us upbeat and told me I was their favorite patient (they say that to everyone :-) ). When I had finished the nurses all stood in a circle and clapped and gave me big hugs. They were all so wonderful and I am very grateful for the care they gave me and all their patients. Even though I had finished my last treatment, we knew I'd be back for more treatments with different drugs depending on what they found. But I had to just push that out of my mind and celebrate each victory. Since the beginning of chemo, I had been craving the beach. This of course is nothing new for me as that is always me, I need sun and water. So Michael and I planned to go to Florida two weeks after my last chemo. It was going to be a last minute decision on how I felt but in my mind I was determined even though I knew I didn't feel up to it. Before we left, I had an MRI to assess how well the chemo worked against the tumors. This gave me scanxiety (as cancer patients know well) but my doctors called saying they were ecstatic with the response. I was scheduled for surgery 3 weeks after my last chemo which was feeling all the sudden too fast. I had a pre-op with my plastic surgeon a couple days before we left for the beach and that honestly sent me and Michael over the edge. While we knew it was going to be a difficult road after surgery, we got a lot of details on post-op restrictions that made everything REAL. The biggest one being, I could not lift for at least 4 weeks......ya. We of course have Cooper, who is 9 months old. All you do is lift him! This restriction, for a mom, is seemingly impossible and sent me into an anxious tailspin. But how!? But?! But what about..?! But o.m.g. I tried with all my might to let it go and not worry but how in the world are you supposed to plan for that?! Not to mention a 3 year old who doesn't stop. I also knew how fatigued and crappy I still felt (for reference, it was really taxing to walk around the house) and is it even allowed to send me into surgery in that condition?!
I was angsty about it, but we left the boys with my mom and flew out to Florida. This did not go well for me. While I was so grateful for the time away with Michael and wanted so much for it to be restful for the both of us, I was FAreaking out inside. This was not like me but the culmination of physically feeling so fatigued and crappy, my chronic low lab work that required infusions every few days, surgery looming, and the post op restrictions heavy on my mind was giving me panic attacks. I finally told Michael that we had to leave because I could not do it. I had never felt like that in my life other than after I was diagnosed. If I want to leave the beach, IT MUST BE BAD. I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was having a complete meltdown. I felt terrible because I wanted that time with Michael and I wanted him to have a break. But it felt like everything was crashing down on me. Thankfully, Michael as always, was amazing and empathetic and just knew.
Life is not easy or expected or linear. As much as we want it to be, it is out of our control. And I believe that God knew every detail before I was even a breathe. It is a constant submission to trusting Him. Especially as a mom that has to plan and can't just wing it. Make your plans then be prepared for them to completely change and be ok with it.
OOOOOOOK, I'll just keep hanging on for the ride!
Tata's for now! (literally a countdown)
Tara
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